Speaking of Spanking

A Short Honeymoon?

Okay, so the big buzz around town this week, (that would be my town, L.A.) is all about how the Los Angeles Lakers star forward, Lamar Odom, married reality TV star Khloe Kardashian.  I’m a huge Lakers fan, so this news was at first a little unsettling for me. I thought, ‘Maybe it’s a joke.’ Then, I Googled it and found out it is true. I was like, “Lamar, Lamar. Noooo!” L.O. doesn’t always show the greatest judgment when it comes to his personal life. During the regular season the man lives off candy. Lots and lots of candy! Everyone knows that’s no way to eat. )Oh, I get it. Khloe is his new favorite candy!) And, of course, the person who introduced them was Ron Artest, who has just joined the Lakers and whom I hated him when he was playing with the Houston Rockets. See? He’s already messing with the team chemistry.

Then it occurred to me…Lamar has the largest hands in the NBA. Could it be that the new Mrs. Odom has a spanking fetish? Stranger things have happened. Maybe they’re both into it?

For fantasy sake, let’s go there. The couple exchanged vows on 9/27. L.O. has to report to training camp on 9/29. If they both are spankos and he plans on spanking her during their honeymoon, with hands that big poor Khloe will need a short one! Then she’ll need all the time that he’s away at training camp for her bruised bottom to recover!

Finally, Vanessa Bryant will have another drama queen with whom to share tabloid time. Wait? Kobe’s pretty strict. Maybe he spanks Vanessa, too? Then, there’s always Coach Phil Jackson and team owner Jerry Buss’ daughter Jeanie Buss. Could it be there’s a little daddy/daughter role play going on between them? Hehe…

Last, but not least, a small disclaimer. This is all from the perverted mind of yours truly, so don’t quote me on this stuff. I understand from the news this morning that it was a very nice wedding, although polls show that no one thinks it will last very long. Awww, come on. Give a couple a chance people!

Chelsea Pfeiffer sex

Shhh. Don’t tell!

Chelsea Pfeiffer hand

My hand can’t even palm the ball if I wanted to.

So, here’s the ball size.

So, here’s the ball size.

Nearest thing in my house in size to Lamar’s hand?

Nearest thing in my house in size to Lamar’s hand?

Nearest thing in my house the size of Lamar's hand

My paddle can't palm the ball either

You Asked For It! Clare Fonda’s Top Five Female Victims!

clare uses the paddle

clare uses the paddle

I am not a sadist. I am an actress who has moments of sadism. I think to be an actress you have to have much more masochism in your blood! It’s such fun to spank and Amber Pixie Wells, a Sarah Gregory or an Abigail Whittaker who you feel is loving life over your knee. That being said there are some females who I would not want to like spanking -just to need and deserve one. Here’s my top five hit list of women who would bring out the beast in me, special thanks to Brushstrokes for inspiring me on this fun article.

Gisele Bundchen, supermodel – Just because I am happy with my own body doesn’t mean I’m not jealous of hers- but I don’t want to spank every super model in town. It’s just they way she’s been parading another woman’s baby around as if it’s her own- It doesn’t help that her quarterback hubby left the baby momma while she was knocked up. Giselle is probably an great stepmom I just think that she needs to show more restraint in front of the paparazzi. My recommendation: A nice warm up on her pert bum and 50 strokes with the Mason Pearson..

Amy Winehouse, singer- Amy is so incredibly talented she just needs a maintenance spanking or a thrashing if she falls off the wagon. I want to be listening to her music for a long time so if she were to get as skinny as she did last year or even consider getting back together with her lack of soulmate, Blake Fielder Civil, I’d have to have her boney buns OTK. Amy is so so self deprecating in her songs that she is probably quite submissive, but I think the belt scares the hell out of most. Reccommendation: A light warm up then ten hard strokes with a big thick belt (not one of hers) and chasing her around with it if she won’t settle down.

Kate Gosselin, of Jon and Kate plus 8, Mega Mom, – I know you’re thinking, “Why not Octomom?” when it comes to baby factories but Kate is just so arrogant. Then again if I had that many kids I’d be yelling at my husband, too. Maybe it’s John who needs the spanking for running around on her lately. Kate just seems to think she’s so tough and she loves to be in the limelight so maybe she’d go for a spanking at first. I have a feeling I’d have to get her drunk and then pounce on her ass, tell her it would be her secret and probably not make it hurt as Kate looks like she would deck me. Hey wait a minute- this woman had 8 babies- she can take some pain. 100 strokes with the paddle….plus eight!

Implements: A bottle of Southern Comfort and Pepsi, leather paddle

Jessica Simpson – Jessica looks great at any weight but there are too many women in Hollywood who are binge eating, not working out and then claiming they prefer that lifestyle. Jess needs a little discipline and if her quarterback boyfriend (okay, I clearly have issues with chicks who date quarterbacks. I’ll own it) can’t do it I think I need to step in and spank whatever is hanging out of the very tight daisy dukes and take it all the way down to the bare with a wooden spoon. A Southern girl like Jessica should know this means business. Maybe she should be sent to get a switch. Are you ready, boots?

Implements: Wooden spoon and switch

Carrie Prejean, Miss California – Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on gay marriage, but I am embarrassed that someone representing my state in a competition got so far with hers. The fact that she has even done some Public Service Announcements against gay marriage makes me want to step it up a notch. Carrie was busted showing her boobs, which almost made me forgive her, but I prefer to believe the gossip that says she was a diva backstage and take it out on her ass. Donald Trump may find her lovely,and that’s another butt I’d like to beat, but let’s not ruin the mental image of me holding Carrie’s long blonde hair at the roots (I’m a pro) and beating her buns with the “Attitude Adjuster” paddle, followed by the makeup scrubbed off her face and her mouth washed out with soap. I think even a gay man could get off on this!!

Implements: Wooden paddle, bar of soap

Clare Fonda spanks Amelia Jane Rutherford

Clare Fonda spanks Amelia Jane Rutherford